What's your hope in??

Or better question is...who is your hope in?? To sum up this week...frustrating, discouraging, and disappointing!! How can a missionary living in amazing Uganda and seeing the Lord moving in miraculous ways have such a week AND then blog with such emotional honesty?? Easy...because I'm Michelle and I'm real and human AND just make sure you read the whole blog ;)

This Tuesday my group was supposed to go to the prisons (this is the 2nd scheduled visit, but the 1st time the paperwork didn't go through and we ended up showing up that morning thinking we were going to prison but sent out to do street ministry instead). We had our whole program planned out. On Monday, I received a text from the girl in my group who was supposed to be preaching at the prison, and she had malaria and didn't know if she would make it AND that I should be prepared to give the message. HA! I've never even stepped foot inside a prison, and certainly never preached in a prison before! I wasn't feeling physically well that day either, so I got up early Tuesday morning (the day of the prison visit) and prayed, asking the Lord what He wanted me to speak on (if the other girl was indeed too sick to preach). A message began to drop in my heart and I wrote a few notes down and slowly the message began to stir and formulate in my heart. We arrived at the church to pick up the rest of the group and boarded the bus to head to the prison. The busride was unusually quiet...I think we were all a little nervous (noone had visited the prison before). There were 3 groups on the bus...some were going to a women's prison, men's prison, and death row prison (my group was going to the women's prison). When we arrived at the gate, many of the prisoners were outside doing yardwork...I suddenly got a very nervous feeling that overwhelmed me....stronger than the message that was powerfully stirring inside me! I turned to the girl who was sick and supposed to be giving the message and jokingly told her that I thought she was going to get miraculously better and be able to preach, so I didn't have to :) The guards gave us a very hard time, although we had all the correct paperwork, but finally made our way to an office (without our leader because they wouldn't let him in at first...long story!!). I'm the only muzungu in this group so I was a bit uncomfortable...especially since we were trying to find our way to an office without our leader!! So, I was still a bit nervous, but this message continued to stir and stir in me and God actually started adding to the message using some of the items that were sitting around the office (He was speaking to me like crazy!) I was getting pumped and ready to give this message!! Well, we sat and sat in this office. One hour went by....we were told the prisoners were being counted....ANOTHER hour went by....we were told the prisoners had to be recounted because there was a miscount-TIA....ANOTHER hour went by as we watched them going for lunch!!!!! We sat in this office waiting for over THREE hours-TIA (they knew weeks in advance that we were coming)!!! Then, our bus came and we had to leave before making it out of the office and seeing any of the prisoners! No praise and worship, no skit, no special song, no message, no prayer, no nothing.....!!! I left disappointed, frustrated, and discouraged!!!!

THEN, we were supposed to go back to the village to stay and do construction from Wed-Sat. BUT, I ended up not going :( I had not slept more than 12 hours in the previous 4 days....been in pain from the kidney stones and just been incredibly exhausted and run-down (we have been on-the-go in full-time ministry for 4 months straight, it's all catching up with me)! My leader was completely ok with me taking the time-off, but of course, I was not ;) Those that know me, are snickering right now! I'm very stubborn and hard-working and like to push through things! But, I opted not to push through and work in my own strength and power...I took a time-out to rest and spend some intimate time with the Lord (reflecting on what's been going on the past 4 months). This was a very difficult thing for me to do, I wanted to go do the work, not "reflect and relax" and not "just be"! However, I realized that God would not be receiving the glory He deserved....Michelle would...YIKES! But, not being able to join the others still left me disappointed, frustrated, and discouraged.

A word that got prophetically spoken over me several weeks ago was "be available". Then this past week, the word that was prophetically spoken was "be flexible". These are so true and fitting...and I'm holding onto them, but, it's much more than that! Just because things don't work out the way we plan or the way we believe God called us to do something...does NOT mean we've missed Him....does NOT mean we have failed Him...does NOT mean we've disappointed Him!!

Instead of being so self-focused and concerned about where we should be or what we should be doing, we should be committed by faith to following His Spirit, whatever God chooses to do in our life....focus on Him. I'm reminded about a particular incident with Abraham. One day the Lord tells Abraham to go to the mountains to sacrifice his son. The next day He tells Abraham, wait, replace your son with a ram to sacrifice instead. What if Abraham was not attentive to the Lord's voice in that moment? What if Abraham was so focused on a word from yesterday? What if Abraham was so focused on where he was going and what he was doing, and not paying attention to the Lord's voice in that moment?

There are many reasons to speculate why the prison didn't happen, despite God giving me a message and there are also many reasons why I was sleepless and rundown right before going out to the village, but I didn't spend much time trying to figure it all out...I wanted to, but instead kept my eyes focused on Him and believe the understanding will come later, if ever!
I continue to remind myself of Isaiah 55:8-9 (one of my memory verses), "'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts' says the Lord, 'and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts'". Yep, I know all this is easier written, than done....let go, and let God! I'm not letting this past week keep me down and discouraged. I'm pressing more into Him. I'm finding refuge in Him. Each day is a fresh new start...actually every hour I'm finding new opportunities....new people to talk to, new songs to listen to and heights to worship from, fresh words from the Lord, new visions from Him, amazing conversations with amazing people, and so much more...the experiences are just too numerous to list. God doesn't just move here in Uganda...He does the same thing back home...I think we just get too caught up in the "busyness" to stop and realize how amazing and indescribable His works and love are!!! But even then, I'm trying not to let people or circumstances define my mood, outlook, hope, or who I am; keeping my eyes on Him, His Word, and letting Him define who I am!

It's funny, I've only got 3 weeks left, but I have an odd sense these next 3 weeks may be more difficult than getting me on a plane over here (poor Terri Dieter knows how many texts and emails she received from me right before I left....freaked out that doing this trip was insane and a big mistake)! God's chiseling out the last bit of "me" that needs to go and putting His finishing touches on His Masterpiece (Eph 2:10)....but I'm squirming all around, making it very difficult for Him....I must fix my eyes on Him and remained focused and finish here :)

PS You would think after being here for 4 months I would be used to the bugs and no more bug stories....ok, just one more ;) We've come up with a new song/dance, and apparently I've perfected the moves ;) I like to call it the "muzungu crazy unidentifiable creature dance". So, last week after being in the village the whole week, we we came back to discover our room was now occupied....by large green bugs!!!!! They look like grasshoppers, have antennas like cockroaches, leap like antelopes, and fly like birds...can you imagine or name it?? Ok, I exaggerated a bit on the last part....but they can jump AND fly!! We've named them "Cliff"! Since these invaded our room (not kidding, there were at least 30 in our bedroom/bathroom alone....this doesn't count the kitchen, sitting room, hallways, etc)....but it makes it very easy to practice the dance! It's simple, you just have to sit anywhere...in your bed, outside, in the sitting room on the couch, even on the toilet....and just wait....within a short period of time...this large green bug will be landing on you from out of nowhere!! (I even stepped on one when I was getting up from the toilet at 3am the other night....yeah, I kinda woke my roomies up with my nice little squeal...I now use a light when I go to the bathroom from now on, hehe!!!) Anyways, when you get one on you, inevitably they love to land in my hair (hence the reason I've perfected the dance so well)....you jump up....run in place like the girl from Flashdance....throw up your arms around like you are trying to swat an annoying fly....throw your head (if it's in your hair) down in the direction of the person sitting closest to you....and sing in a frantic, high-pitched tone, "get it out, get it out" or a variation, "get it off....get it off".
It's a lot of fun...really....I've got 3 more weeks here....come on over and I can teach it to you...I'm very good at doing it now ;)

Love you all!! Thank you for faithfully praying....like I said, 3 more weeks in Uganda....

Living to know Him more and share His Love,

Michelle